My Story

I don’t really remember when I first noticed that I had psoriasis. It was just…there. I was never the type to really be ‘looks conscious’ when I was younger so didn’t know that it wasn’t normal to have. I just sort of assumed it was a regular thing that everyone got or had. But no. It wasn’t. I think the first time I genuinely thought my skin was different was when I was in a history class in about year 9 and someone said “oh, has it been snowing outside” *sniggers* and I didn’t really get it. Then it clicked, he was talking about me and the psoriasis flakes that were on my shoulders. I am pretty sure that was the lowest I felt and I think it will be a memory that is burned into me for eternity. Still now when I think about it I choke a little bit and bite back emotions tied to that day.

After that I was paranoid about everything – whether people could see it, whether my clothes covered it, whether my hair covered my scalp properly, if there was anything on my shoulders or on my clothes…the list just goes on. I stopped the ability to dress freely and became extremely picky about what I wore. I had to wear: tights/leggings – couldn’t show the psoriasis on my legs, jumpers/cardigans/long sleeved everything – couldn’t show the psoriasis on my arms or back, nothing with a sheer material – didn’t want people to see it through the clothes. I developed a tick for brushing my shoulders and checking that there wasn’t anything visible there. I also began to wear make-up that covered the psoriasis on my face and neck. I moisturized a lot. If I was to wear something different or not within my comfort zone I would constantly fret that people were seeing it and judging me.

I went to the Doctors who referred me to a dermatologist. I was diagnosed and given treatment, ointments, lotions and potions, shampoo etc...I was given steroid ointment and it worked pretty well, reduced the look of it and made me feel a lot better. But it came back, as it always does, and just seemed to get worse and be in more and more places so I was given UBV treatment. I have extremely fair and sensitive skin (I can be outside in English “sun” for an hour and end up lobstered) so the length of my treatments started out at 5seconds and went up to about 25seconds – I went to UVB about 3 times a week for a couple of months at a time. I just wasn’t really for me – my skin would go red and it just made me feel uncomfortable every time I went. Plus sometimes I would go before school so people would ask questions as to why I was red and it just was no good for me. Overall, I just didn’t want that form of treatment, plus it never seemed to make a difference for me. Yes it worked…gradually, but it was more stress enduring and I wasn’t really fond of voluntarily exposing myself to UV rays.

I stopped using steroid ointments as I wanted to find a better way to help my skin. I changed a lot of stuff. I went through most store bought moisturizers to look for one that worked and then got sick of it all when I went to university and couldn’t be bothered anymore. Biggest mistake of my life as funnily enough – it didn’t go away and it did get worse. Plus with alcohol, bad food, stress and terrible sleeping patterns – university was probably the worst time to stop looking after my psoriasis.

My sister and I were sat at home one evening and got onto the topic of my psoriasis. She asked me why I never spoke about it, and I told her simply – I didn’t want to and I don’t like to. She asked me why, and I told her – it makes me feel uncomfortable and you wouldn’t understand as you don’t have it. She asked me how that made me feel, and I told her – as though I am alone with no one to talk to that would just get it and get how it truly makes you feel. She looked at me and said – well, why don’t you be that someone who talks about it so others don’t feel alone. I didn’t know what to say to that, she had a point and it felt as though I could. We looked into it and it didn’t seem like there were many places out there that people could look for advice that weren’t “cure to psoriasis is…”, “the only way to cure psoriasis is…”, “take this tablet and your psoriasis will be gone” mumbo-jumbo!! There were and are some wonderful blogs dedicated to psoriasis out there and I wanted to be a part of it and to contribute to it.

So it began, I decided that I wanted to just write my views on products that I had tried, look into information related to psoriasis and share what I had found and then maybe one day, write some personal experiences that I have had that might give others comfort to read.

I am not preaching to you that I know the cure or that the products I have tried will cure your psoriasis. All that I want to do is share with you stuff that I have experienced so you might feel some comfort and know that you are not alone. The worst I ever felt was when I felt alone and like I was an alien in a crowd of people. I don’t want others to feel that way; to feel socially-excluded, to feel alone, to feel isolated, to feel different, to feel hopelessness, to feel irritated and annoyed, to feel stressed, to feel sad and anxious, to feel ugly and deformed, to feel overwhelmed and broken-down. If you feel any of the above then you are why I am doing this.

I still have a lot of developing to do myself. I am not fully accepting of it. If someone granted the ability to change one thing about myself it would be my psoriasis - not my nose, not my size 8 feet, not my waist line, not my chubby thighs, not my elf ears – none of that. But in reality, those chances don’t come about so I have to live with the genes I was dealt and get on with it. I make a conscious effort to not complain that it isn’t fair and to just sort it out. I have grown as a person from it and to be quite honest; having psoriasis has been a huge part of why I am the way I am.

I am getting better with confidence levels and I am slowly learning that the opinions of others when related to my psoriasis are irrelevant to me. But I still have a lot of learning to and a lot of experimenting with products.

I think that when it comes to something that I am going to have to use for the rest of my life;  it better be affordable to buy regularly, it better smell good, it better not feel horrible on my skin, it better look good, it better not be time consuming and it had better work well! So that is what I am trying to do here. I want to find something that isn’t prescribed that anyone and everyone can buy. My main concern is whether it helps psoriasis but listed above are also factors that I care about – if you don’t, then good for you, but I do! I want a product that pleases me overall and I can happily use for a long time. It was something that I was doing anyway so why not share it with others.

I hope that my words give comfort to someone out there that doesn’t know where to turn or where to start. At the end of the day, I am just an Average-Joe who is trying to win a battle with her skin and keep a smile on her face.